If you’ve been reading this column for a while now, you’ll know that self-love is a commonly recurring theme, and for good reason. Studies show that most adults struggle with truly loving who they are, and lack of selflove can negatively impact every part of your life and your health. Simply put, learning to love yourself is one of the best things you can do.
Continuing with the discussion from last week, one thing I don’t really love about the world we live in is that if you are not actively trying to change something about yourself, you may be seen as weird or too complacent. Likewise, if you love yourself too much or don’t make self-deprecating comments, you may be seen as self-centered or stuck-up. In any gathering of people, it is not uncommon for the topic of conversation to be all the things we dislike about ourselves or our life, and how we desperately want to change those things. Why do we do this? Why can’t we just be happy with ourselves and stop being so critical?
If there is something you want to change about yourself, I beg you to ask yourself why you want to make that change. If you want to change something like your tendency to procrastinate that always makes you late for stuff, or your tendency to complain all the time that always puts you in a bad mood, that is one thing. I am all for self-improvement, so if you want to make a change from a place of genuine self-love, go for it (as long as it’s done in a healthy way).
But if you want to change yourself in hopes that you will like yourself more (or that others will like you more), I am here to bring you a sobering reality: You will not magically wake up one day and love what you see in the mirror if you are always trying to change something about yourself. There will always be something else you can find to dislike about yourself and want to change.
Similarly, if you’re always trying to change to “fit in” more or for others to like you more, this will leave you feeling unfulfilled and disappointed. If you change yourself according to other people’s standards, you are not being authentically you; over time, this can lead to increased anxiety, confusion, deep unhappiness and feeling lost.
However, if you put the effort in to learn to love yourself just as you are now — “flaws” and all — that will pay off ten-fold in the end. You may even realize that those things you wanted to change are some of the things you love most about yourself because they are what make you you.
Just because the world around you defines X, Y or Z as a “bad” characteristic doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. As a society, we’ve come to deeply believe that things like having a sweet tooth, enjoying a lazy day, putting things off until the last minute, loving late-night snacks, holding some “extra weight” or loving yourself completely are all bad qualities to have and that we should seek to change them.
But in reality, you are just human. Every single one of us has our own special blend of characteristics that make us unique, and all the parts of you are what have brought you to this point in your life. Without those things, you may be someplace totally different (and not necessarily in a good way).
Personally, I used to hate my tendency to procrastinate. I now realize that I learned to hate it because everyone around me made it seem like a personality flaw. But now that I know it’s just part of who I am, I don’t let it bother me, and I’ve actually learned to use it to my own benefit (i.e., I know I perform better when I have less time to work with).
That being said, if there is something I don’t want to procrastinate on, I don’t. I make sure I get it done early. Because here’s the thing: You don’t have to live inside some box that you or those around you built for you. You can have tendencies to procrastinate, but not identify as a procrastinator. You can hold a little “extra” weight, but not call yourself fat. You can desire to improve something, and not do it from a place of self-loathing.
It is time that we learn to embrace these things and stop wanting to change them just to “fit in” with some fictional “perfect” world around us. You can — and should — love yourself exactly as you are. You don’t have to change anything about yourself at all if you don’t want to. You are perfectly imperfect just the way you are.
